Anyone else one of those people who's default answer is to say "Its fine" even when its not. Just because you don't want other people to worry or upset. You don't want to hurt their feelings even though you're the one who's feelings are hurt? Because so many people have it worse than you that you don't want to complain. I'm getting really sick of being one of those people.
I used to not need a lot of stuff. Making other people happy made me happy. But now I ever seem to do is try to please other people... and then instead of feeling happy that I made someone else happy... I now feel more like I'm just being used. At first when my so called friends around this town would stab me in the back I was surprised... Never had that happen before... then it happened again... and again... and again... started thinking maybe it was me... maybe I was doing something to make them turn on me. Even my coworkers at work. So I tried being even nicer and more accommodating to other people even if it made me unhappy... then they would keep asking more of me. And I would try to accommodate within reason of a work place. Some even more so because I;m the assistant and I would watch the Head do the exact same thing. Even going so far as not reporting errors and fixing them for them so they wouldn't have to go back and do it again, stripping rooms for them to shave time, taking their dirty dishes, I'd even clean or roll rooms for them because they would ask me to. "I hurt my back can you mop this floor for me? I'm pregnant I can't clean this room because they had a cat in it. Can't you just roll rooms over till tomorrow?" That last one frequently before they even clock in to work and then they would still drag there feet over time even if I did roll rooms. Because Sundays and Mondays are the worst. Always the days were everyone checks out with almost no stayovers, no laundry person so I end up having to do that too, and we are always understaffed so I end up cleaning rooms as well. I thought because I was willing to take all this on I'd at least get some kind of reciprocation from my coworkers. But no... Give an inch they take a mile. Today I got thrown under the fucking bus. Because when the big boss asked these housekeepers why they were going over their time. They all blamed me to save their own skins. Saying I never do anything to help any of them. Saying I'm always just sitting around. The times I tell them no I can't roll rooms they act like I abuse them. The times I do they drag their feet so they go over time. And half the time I actually can't find any of them because they've gone on break which they are only supposed to have two of but end up taking more anyway. So when the boss asked me about it its multiple people against one because I'm the supervisor at the time. Doesn't matter that the ones pointing the fingers are the ones who drag their feet and make the Head roll rooms as well. The only GOOD workers are only here when I am not the supervisor. HELL! I clean fucking rooms too! The Head doesn't! But she lets them walk all over her. I try not to let them too much so thats why they complained. So now its just pointing fingers. I've caught others doing so many things wrong but I don't say anything because I don't want to complain or make people not like me. Caught the front desks clerks shopping for makeup and clothes on the check in computers sooo many times. But I don't say anything. Housekeepers take breaks whenever they want. I don't say anything. Because I didn't want to be the BAD GUY. Well now FUCKING HATE MY JOB! My last job I never had any bad reports. Always had good reviews. It wasn't till the psycho crack whore that thought I was gonna steal her job even though she only got hired BECAUSE I didn't want it; start reporting me and harassing me till I quit did I get any bad marks. However, it has made me realize all this shit. I have no FUCKING FRIENDS! Because everyone says people you meet on the internet aren't real friends so you have to go out and meet people. Well fucking guess what? All the people my age in this town are drug addicts, drug dealers, or just plain douche-bags. All the ones that are actually any sort of decent gtfo of here as soon as they can or end up like me. Getting used by the others. Because they all be nice to your face but are really sharks looking for blood in the water. Searching out people who wish to please others and using them up and then tossing them away when you don't have anything they want anymore.
A friend isn't someone you should constantly have to be worrying about turning on you at any second. HELL you shouldn't even have to worry about that with fucking coworks. Everywhere else I lived I didn't even have to worry about that with complete strangers! This fucking bait and switch thing. So like I said I began to think it was me. Not all people can be like this so it must be me? Well now I don't fucking think it is me! I had friends everywhere else. I had you guys before real life fucked up my time with you. So how is it every fucking person so far I meet here ends up stabbing me in the back. Maybe its just the people my age here? Get older friends. Nope still fuck me over. Be friends with coworkers. Fucked. Be friends with people I didn't work with. Went well except they either move away or otherwise. I didn't have this problem with any of my friends in Montana. I didn't have this problem with people I met on the internet. Hell they people I spent time with in Pasadena I don't even know what their names were I felt more in touch with. What could it be... WTF?! DING! Light bulb! Oh I see it now. Its this fucking black hole of misery and woe that the call this town. Because there ain't shit here so everyone is either High to stop feeling anything or is a complete asshole so they can feel pleasure in abusing others. I'm sure it used to be a nice place back in the day. My Grandparents are nice people, my parents nice people, something must have gone wrong at some point because everyone around my age seems to be just dicks here unless they are sheltered or moved here from somewhere else. Everything here seems rediculously expensive for nothing being here but the Round up grounds (used once a year) and the Casino on the reservation. All apartments are absurdly expensive if you have a pet... if you can even find an apartment. Then you go in to get an application and even older people around here now seem to stare at you out of the corner of their eye in a rather jaded way because you're young. Cuz everyone knows all it takes is one person to ruin it for everyone. Even my current roommate. I want to believe we are friends... but I just keep feeling I'm just here to pay the rent... I make less than $11,000 a year gross pay. That is less than $900 a month. I pay $300 on rent. Then I have car insurance. Medical insurance. Taxes. Then theres the necessities like food, clothing, etc. Every time I manage to save any amount of money up some shit happens. Like the $8,000+ in medical bills I have right now or how I'm watching one of my tires cuz it was flat today. I filled it with air but if it goes flat again I'm gonna be pissed cuz I bought all four of these tires like a year ago. Fucking ripped me off too. Though random tire slashing to even setting a car on fire is not uncommon here apparently. Again town full of douche-bags. Well atleast I have family! ...yeah... thats getting to be less and less a factor for staying. I get invited to peoples birthdays. And even though I'm poor I get them a card and a small present to be polite. My birthday comes around. No one fucking comes to my party. Just me and Gramma and my cousin... pretty sure he only came for free food after Gramma nagged him into coming. Everyone else apparently had better things to do... like take a nap or play pool. (These were actual excuses)
Got a little bitter about that. Said "its fine" even though it wasn't. So what if I sit in my room alone alot and cry because "its fine". So what if it happens more and more often. You know what? Fuck it. I'm done crying. I'm done caring. I'm done having the highlight of my day is going to grandpa's house and just sitting in the same room with him or sometimes having a tv dinner with him. I'm tired of my weekends be just me waiting till I get to go back to work. I'm tired of my gramma having to buy me lunch instead of me buying her lunch for once because I can't afford it. I'm tired of having to get money from my mom when I know she could use it. I'm tired of everyone telling me what I should do! Cuz I fucking do it and it makes it fucking worse! I'm tired of this fucking place. I'm tired of these people. Currently roommate and I don't do anything together. We sometimes sit and watch something on tv... but thats hardly planned. Most of the time I can't get them to do that because they either have to go have a cigarette or need a hit. Tired of the house smelling like fucking pot too while we are on that subject. I end up barricading myself in my room. My cousin the roommate before that... basically same thing... not much in common. Pot. Bringing drunk friends home all the time. Barricade self in my room.
I miss Z... Yeah we were fucking broke and she couldn't find a job... but atleast we were HAPPY otherwise. Sure we had disagreements and this and that. But atleast I never felt the need to barricade myself in my room. Granted it was a studio and we slept in the same bed... but still! We DID things together! Usually nothing more extravagant than "hey its my day off lets see how many Pixar movies we can watch before one of us falls asleep!" or just go touch stuff at the Salvation army because even thats fucking highway robbery prices here usually. Eh... But Z could not get a job. Everyone convinced me it was because of her attitude. But ya know what... I don't think it was anymore. This town does not like those who do not conform. Even if its only on the surface and slither around doing illegal shit underneath. As long as the face you show in the day is what everyone wants to see. Even if it kills your fucking soul. Well now she's gone. I worry I will never see her again like so many of my friends. Because life here sucks. I couldn't even get time off to go to my best friend since elementary schools wedding! Even if I had I couldn't afford the gas. Now the only one I do stuff with is Not My Boyfriend James... and even he is moving because he thinks this place sucks too. So that leaves my Grandpa as the only reason I'm still here... and now the fucking medical bills and the fact that because of said bills I can't afford to leave. Well I'm sorry grandpa... but once the medbills are paid I'm finding a new job far far AWAY! ...okay maybe not Texas away or even over the state line away... but NOT HERE! Got shit ton of new boxes in the garage ready to transfer all my stuff I have not seen since what... 2 years ago out of the old shitty fourth hand boxes. Then gettin put in a storage unit. Because hey haven't seen it in this long so why bother seeing it again for another few years... yay... So what if that makes it seem like all I have is my clothes, my tv, and my couch... but will have to get rid of couch cuz can't keep. Gotta go through Garage boxes to repack everything better and decide what goes where... cuz I don't have much but apparently is still too much. Need to repack Z's stuff. And I swear if anyone tells my one more time to just throw here stuff away... No. NO. NO! End of fucking discussion.
So I'm done with "Its fine". I'm done doing everything to make other people happy. Its my damn turn! I'm done with "REAL friends". Fuck real friends. Atleast the ones around here. I have internet friends. Atleast they don't judge me just cuz I like to wear Marvel Tshirts and glittery as all hell $5 sneakers one day then thigh high leather boots and a corset I got on ebay for $8 the next. (With free shipping. Thank you CHINA) Or think my miniscule Transformers collection and my beat to all hell used 1980s My Little Pony collection is stupid. Or don't think I should put put MY Star Trek poster up in MY room! So fuck REAL friends. Atleast for now. Once I move away I will try the face to face friendship thing again. But right now I'm just gonna live to pay these fucking bills. I need social contact I have my Gramma... and Grandpa.... and my cat.... yep. ....thats just fuckin sad... but thats life currently. Gonna deal with it. Can't believe this is even the summarized version. I don't state half the shit that goes on here because I know my mother follows me. Been doing "I'm fine" for years before finally hitting this point. Too bad its taken till now to finally admit that this place has slowly been killing my soul.
And I see you there mom. I'm not gonna say I'm fine. But don't make a fuss. You can't fix this. I have to fix this. Because I finally see whats fucked up. So gonna get these Medbills taken care of. Save up some money. And find a job somewhere else and move there. Because moving in with Grandpa is only a temporary fix. I'm at the point in my absolute HATE of this place that even if Grandpa gave me the house I wouldn't stay here. I'm miserable. I basically have no friends. I don't do anything. I can't afford to do anything. And no matter what I do here it doesn't get better no matter how hard or how long I try. So gonna get all my ducks lined up in a row. Then away I shall go. Mostly looking at Hermiston so its not like I'd be any farther away then I already am. But atleast it wouldn't be here! I have my whole life ahead of me. Time to start LIVING. I want to go to art school. Maybe learn to make movie costumes and animatronics or get into a career where I get to design video games. Because I am done with this half-assed just good enough to where I'm not homeless bullshit. No more keeping my head down doing as I'm told. Its my way now!
And I better find my damn art program soon while repacking because I appear to have a LOT of anger and frustration I need to channel right now.